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MY
STORY

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AUTHENTIC REFLECTIONS

The following is an account of my journey, and more importantly to note, how I have seen it, through the lens of a decade of revisiting and understanding how life has shaped me! Maybe there is something for you in here... maybe something you will relate to.

As I grow, so does the lens in which I see things through and with that I say "nothing is true yet everything is real."

Deep breath, lets go...

"Plagued with uncertainty.
Trust was a big issue, I had none.
I was cautious of Men.
Uncontrollable Anger
Self-conscious.
I feared my Ego.
Directionless.
No purpose."

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THE YOUNGER YEARS

I came into this world on 22nd July 1989, likely into a sterile artificial environment surrounded by face-masked humans with gloves on, but into the hands of a deeply caring Mother and Father! I know I felt extremely safe growing up, and I am so grateful for my family for providing me with that sense of safety and support. 

 

I remember being a deep thinker, curious about life and asking the bigger questions, something that I later realised got conditioned out of me and led me to slip into living a life based on other peoples values and versions of what was right for me.

 

I felt the love of my family, yet often quite conditional (a common one to experience) more often given when I was being 'good' to try and curb behaviour - this then resulted in me disconnecting from parts of myself that I perceived as 'bad'... the anger, frustration, messiness, clumsiness, disorganisation... the list goes on and I picked up the name clumsy Christopher. 

 

When I witnessed conflict and disconnection in the home, something was always missing, something I later realised was very impactful on me; I never saw the resolution and when I did, it was often in the form of jokes and sillyness - this resulted in a lot of avoidant tendencies later on.

 

The 90's were full of play, summers spent outside with friends in the local community, your classic holidays abroad... we were always an active family.

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GROWING UP & GROWING RAGE

The teens were a confusing time but I made it through pretty unscathed...

 

I had developed a unhealthy relationship with my body, minimal awareness or acceptance of myself or self-care present. Emotions were not a thing I spoke about. I often sought approval from others, mainly Men... playground dynamics would result in me hiding from parts of myself so I wouldn't seem 'weak' or 'soft', this created so much inner conflict because all I craved was love and acceptance. Inner voices got silenced for a decade and a half. 

Once alcohol was introduced in the College years, this was when confusion and unconscious behaviours started to bubble into anger and rage on nightclub dancefloors, fighting got all too common, a way to gain respect from others, respect I didn't have for myself.

Uncontrollable anger leaked out over a significant portion of my teenage years and as a result I shamed this energy that wanted to express itself. A force that lay inside of me which was trying to communicate with me and everyone around, something needed be witnessed and dealt with.

 

I never felt safe to express what was arising. I felt shame and judgement of these emotions. As culture we fear this energy in Men, but the more we push this into the dark, the bigger the light has to be to witness it...

"I never felt safe
to express what was arising"

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"Smoking crack-cocaine and getting a knife pulled out on me"

PRISON

Was Prison inevitable? If you asked family or friends at the time, I am confident they would of said no, however the judge at crown court came to a different conclusion based on my repetitive behaviour and lack of respect.

When I was 19, I spent the whole year in some form of prison; 4 months in a Young Offenders Institute and 8 months on Home Detention Curfew. 

 

Throughout this period of time I found myself smoking crack-cocaine in a car, getting a knife pulled out on me by a 'friend' and stealing from garden sheds and I was not immediately pulling away from this chasm I was in. It felt like my life was on hold, and I was in an impending limbo, a victim of circumstances.

 

It took time and a lot to really turn directions which has gifted me a lot of compassion and context for peoples experience.

 

I reflect on this time of my life and although I slightly resentful & disappointed in a system that failed to guide me in better directions, I have to take full ownership of how I wasn't showing up for myself.

 

"It's not that I am a bad person, I just keep getting caught for everything I do" -I remember repeating over and over again so I could justify the lies I could keep telling so I didn't have to emotionally deal with the consequences. There was some truth in it, I knew I wasn't a bad person. Just lacking tools to go deeper into my experience and avoiding so much. 

MY HEART OPENED 

University came and went with a lot of chaotic times but I also began to surround myself with people who had more of a interest in learning. Graduating in 2012 I brought a one way ticket to Singapore which set me off on a 2 year adventure, allowing me to re-write some of my own beliefs and narratives, get out of my own way and lean into what it means to be human.

 

 For 2 years I found a lot of time to contemplate, meditate and found Yoga. I spent time in environments full of people who had a longing for adventure and play, people who answered YES to how. My bare-feet touched the ground every day, I spent the majority of my time outside, I found Podcasts and hand wrote letters to friends and family back home which was incredible therapeutic. I had the space to open up the book of questions meet some uncomfortable edges. I spent time teaching English in Cambodia, days in silence on a Monastery and 3 months on a Farm in Australia. I cried, I laughed, I grieved and fell in love. 

 

A lot of my needs were getting met and nourishing my soul but I lacked the skills to integrate the experiences that opened my heart and connected myself to bigger things. I still felt the need to seek approval, impress others and felt extremely lonely without a sense of direction or community around me which manifested into anger and anxiety. 

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"Loneliness doesn’t come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you" - Carl Jung

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"I had developed tendencies in my character that masked a gapping void that I didn't accept myself or hold any self-worth."

"DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF"?

I returned from travels with a heap of awareness but depression in equal measure. I was lost, more disconnected from any kind of direction and broke but I had such a fire inside of me and a mindset that knew that I was developing resilience. I become obsessed with understanding my mind and body. So developed more healthy practices and developed a passion for why I was the way I was.

I have always understood that the emotions we feel are signals, trying to prompt us change something. I searched for the ingredients for living a meaningful life.

I met someone who changed a lot for me (as is often the case in relationships) she opened up internal doorways and activated parts of me that I found so hard to access on my own... she called me forward and held a bigger standard  for me but I did not know how to be in relationship. I suffered with jealousy and my ego didn't let her see me. 

 

She once held a mirror in front of me and yelled, "You need to love yourself first". I couldn't do it. This was incredibly intimidating, sad and impossible to hold. I could only numb and look away. And although she had my best intentions at the time, it was not going to happen in that moment. I had to go on the journey myself and be with my inner-child who has developed so many narratives as to why he wasn't loveable.

 

I had to go sit and face my biggest fear which was being on my own.

I had developed tendencies in my character that masked a gaping void which was that I didn't accept or have any self-worth.

BEING ALONE

I knew I needed more time in solitude. In 2018 I cycled from England to Turkey and leant deeply into my wounds around self-worth. This experience allowed me to face a big fear around being alone. 

Peak experiences are important and can be what change our relationship to ourselves but what I have realised is, without clarity or tools on how to integrate them, we can go from one thing to the next without changing anything, and quickly fall into patterns that keep us from really meeting our potential.

 

It took me a long time but now I realise that trying to figure things out alone is zero-sum game, traveling around the world 'soul-searching', looking for the answers and creating the space to heal is only half of the mission.

 

I have only been able to go within and face the parts of myself when I have had the space, support and guidance to do so. 

"Trying to figure things out alone is a zero-sum game"

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“At some point you have to stop looking for places of belonging and become a place of belonging” - Unknown

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GO WITHIN...
OR GO WITHOUT

It started to make sense to me that health was something everyone would prioritise at some point. After being so disconnected to myself, feeling anxious and depressed most days and facing the fact that I had no community around me, I started to dedicate my time to create a lifestyle that allowed me to prioritise my wellbeing. I went to India to study and became a Yoga Teacher... but still something was missing.

For the first time in a long time I was stationary and committed. I  joined a Mens group, went into relationship therapy and did a coaching course around anger and inner-criticism. 

CONNECTING TO PURPOSE

Podcasts changed my life so I started one...

After going over a year interviewing only Men, I realised the only way I could show up more whole was to integrate all the Masculine energy that got me into trouble, the energies that I shamed and judged and forced into the shadow.

I understood that it's not the ability to speak our truth that we lack, but the environments and spaces that allow the healing to take place. 

 

In 2022 I founded a Mens Health platform called Men Of Earth to bring Men back into circle and provide a space where truth could be honoured and we can re-connect to ways that we have forgotten. 

I work to create the space for Men to access and honour their emotions, the sadness, the anger and listening to its wisdom, turning pain to purpose.

I now organise immersive gatherings in UK and abroad and have an Online community dedicated to inner work and self-leadership. 

"I work to create spaces to access and honour emotions"

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Beautiful Nature

"Our deepest voids form our deepest values"

- Dr John Demartini

LIFE NOW 
A WORK IN PROGRESS

I judge myself a lot less.

I acknowledge emotions and let them pass.

I move away from any 'good / bad, right / wrong' language.

I do my best not to compare stories or trauma with others.

My relationship to myself is the biggest focus.

My intention is to show up in every space I exist in with the same level of truth and transparency. I am able to be there fully for people because I do that for myself.

 

Always looking to nature for guidance and honour the ground I walk.

I play and pray.

We are all sensitive beings with a huge curiosity that helps us navigate the world in healthy ways. We are born with a strong intuitive sense of who we are and what it means to be connected to the earth... my role as I move in this world is to bring awareness to this in all I do and instil it in every part of my work with people.

I don’t believe we heal from these core wounds but we get better at navigating the road and calling in all we want.

connect@thechrisgeisler.com

Image by David Marcu

“Look deep into Nature and you will understand everything better” - Albert Einstein

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